[box type=”bio”] The month of February is an exiting month for my family.
It brings with it Valentine’s Day (The Day of Love and Friendship in Latin America), memories of leaving home to be a missionary, and the start of a long string of birthdays starting with my Dad’s. For the next three weeks I will be dedicating my entries to recognize the lessons and principles my dad has shared with me.[/box]
[dropcap style=”font-size: 95px; color: #6B8E23;”]M[/dropcap]y dad has failed in every business venture he has pursued.
He has failed to work in every field that he has received a formal education in, and has had more titles than I can remember.
Although it sounds cliché, he has been where some have only dreamed of–only to fall back down again.
But he is the most successful man I know. Why? Because he has taught me that in order to have success you most posses three key qualities:
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Determination to defeat your obstacles
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Faith to accomplish your dreams
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Love to trust God and family
It’s these three qualities that make my father who he is. My dad is crazy. My dad is my hero.
HIS SPITTING IMAGE
Because of my close association with my dad, the fact that I look just like him (check out the photo on the left), and because of my personal connections to his projects, I can accurately portray the mind and heart of the man I affectionally call “Papi.”
Both of us are trained as journalist; he in Guatemala, and I in Canada. We both love politics and social issues. We both have strong characters and are nonsensical in our approaches. We have strong views, meaning we often clash about the most unimportant things. It’s no secret that I never wanted to follow his career path. In fact, for a long time I would get mad if anyone compared me to him. Now my biggest dream is to be as successful in my life as he has been in his.
His life is full of adventure, hardship and trials. I spent an evening with him last week and interviewed him for this article. We talked until I could barely keep my eyes open. His life’s story filled me with hope and excitement, and his supposed failures have taught me the true meaning of success.
A NO EXCUSE ATTITUDE
“You kids don’t know hard work,” my father often tells us.
“When I worked helping a mason I only had a shovel and pick axe to use.
“I would work from dawn until the sun went down.
“My [butt] crack would be sweaty all day!” When he gets excited I’m often reminded of his provincial language.
My father, Jose Maria Calderón Sanches was born in San Benito, Peten, Guatemala in 1957. He was the second youngest of 10 children, of which eight survived childhood.
His mother was a little five-foot tall Mexican immigrant, and his father a local Guatemalan chicle (gum) harvester from the savanna of Peten–home to the Mayan city of Tikal and and El Mirador, both UNESCO World Heritage sites.
At a young age he learned about the difficulties of growing up as a boy in Latin America. Being the youngest surviving male child he was often spoiled and looked after by his eldest siblings, but this did not shelter him from hard work and family responsibilities. As early as 8 years-old, he began to work along side my grandfather in the local chicle (gum) extracting business in the jungles of Peten. My grandfather would often make him pack his things, hike up with the chicleros (gum tappers) into the dense jungle to learn to survive in the harsh and exotic climate of the Guatemalan lowlands.Those excursions showed him the hardships of physical labour, but also engrained within him a love for his land and its people, especially his ancestral Mayan roots.
A key defining moment in his life was the the separation of his parents as a teen. With his father now out of the picture and his mother left to care for all the children, he quickly became aware of the realities of the poverty that surrounded him. This separation catapulted him in to a system that was designed to fail him.
To be a young man without a father in Latin America, and have a mother with little formal education or money meant that my dad was at a high risk of experiencing a lifetime of poverty, drug and alcohol abuse, crime and eventually incarceration or death. Add being from the rural countryside and you have a recipe for societal failure.
Latin America does not deal mercifully with young fatherless males. Often it is a societal expectation that they will inflict their childhood pain on their own children and abandon them just as they have been abandoned. Thankfully, my father failed to meet those expectations.
My father managed to avoid most but not all of these systematic problems. In large part because he has always been determined to never let his environmental pressures dictate the course of his life. He also had a mother who threatened him to make something of himself.
“One day I told my mom I was quitting school and going to work full-time,” he usually squares his shoulders as he recounts this story.
“That tiny woman took me by my collar and said,
“‘YOU’RE GOING TO GRADUATE AS A TEACHER EVEN IF YOU HAVE A MOUSTACHE!'”
He always tells that story with gusto and quiet respect. I think he tells it to emphasize how much his mother wanted her children to escape the prevalent cycle of poverty and of her commitment to make it happen. Also I think that it’s because it demonstrates that little Spanish women are a force to be reckoned with.
My grandmother was responsible for instilling in him an attitude of determination. After her death I found out just how much she sacrificed to make sure he got an education. Although I didn’t have a close relationship with her I got a glimpse into the love that she had for her children. She taught my father that love knows no bounds and no sacrifice is too great to make sure loved ones have what they need. She instilled in him a “no excuse” attitude. In fact, whenever we begin to complain about something and tell him it can’t be done, he often tells us,
“Don’t give me an excuse. Give me a solution.”
This can-do mentality is something he has perfected. “A few years after that, I graduated,” he says. To my grandmother’s credit not only did he walk across the stage to receive his teaching certification, but he donned a full-grown moustache.
DREAMS OVER COMFORT
“When I was a little boy, I would look to the hills by my house and see all the lights out there.
“I used to think that was the City (Guatemala, City). I would lie awake and say,
“‘Someday I’m going to live there.”
My dad is a dreamer. His imagination is incredible. More importantly, he has a heart that constantly believes the impossible. He has faith in himself. I’m amazed at this quality. Possessing it means nothing or no one is unreachable for him.
Shortly after graduating as a high school teacher he was offered a permanent position at a local school. It would have provided a comfortable pay and allowed him to stay in Peten where he enjoyed good tropical climate, a big circle of friends and popularity as he was well known for his athletic achievements as Peten’s Marathon youth champion, student body leader and local playboy. Deep down inside his childhood dreams began to stir.
“I went to my mom and told her I was going to live in the city and I was turning down the job offer.”
“She laughed at me and said, ‘One day you’ll be back. You won’t make it there.'” He was surprised at her response but determined to make his dream come true.
“I made up my mind that I was leaving Peten and I was never coming back. At least, not to live.”
My father viewed living in the city as a way of breaking free from the cycle of comfort that was prevalent in his hometown. Children were born, raised and died in this little paradise. He yearned for more. He wanted to go beyond his regional boundaries and have new adventures. He wanted to be a doctor or a lawyer both of which the town did not have. So, he put on his Boy Scouts uniform and along with a friend set out for the city. Since they were both new graduates they didn’t have any money. They looked in their pockets and found 10 cents. They split it even, 5 cents each, and began hitch hiking to the capital–a trip that usually took 9 hrs on a good day took them a lot longer.
The city was nothing like he had imagined. Since he had never been out of his province he did not know the culture of a city of millions. Like him, many had come from the rural provinces in search of work and a better life. Unemployment was high and people’s morale was low. After fruitless days looking for work he found himself questioning his decision.
“One night I…began looking up at the stars.
“I kept thinking, ‘My God, how far have I fallen?’
“‘Back home I have a secure job and here I am unemployed and without money.’
“I wanted to go home.”
In the midst of these difficult days he ran into a fellow Petenero, or local from his province.
“He told me about the place where he was staying, and told me he’d help me get a room there for free until I could got a job.
“He took me to a lady’s house, and after meeting each other, she let me stay in one of her rooms with my friend.
“She told me not to worry about paying her until I had a job.”
The tides would soon turn and within a few days he found a job as an inventory manager for a cement and trucking company. He did well there. So well that a jealous co-worker began making life difficult for him. Because he had been promoted to an administrative position with only one year on the job while the other man had been there for years he began to try and make him look bad in front of their boss. My dad decided to leave rather than cause friction.
“I told the guy,
”Listen man, I’m not planning on dying here. Have the job. I’m going to be a lawyer.”
With enough money saved up he applied to the Faculty of Law in one of Guatemala’s central universities. There he began his studies and within a few year his articling. He speaks proudly about his times as a law student. It was the time when he felt like he could change the world. It was also the time when he met his future wife.
FINDING LOVE
“One night I was hanging out at a party with a friend.
“I looked across the room and I saw this girl.
“I asked my friend who she was and she said,
“‘Why? Do you like her? I’ll introduce you to her!'” This is probably one of my favourite stories. Whenever my dad tells it it’s almost as if I can see the whole experience. Almost like I was actually there to live it.
“My friend grabbed my hand and pulled me across the floor. She stopped right beside your mom and began introducing me.
“I reached out to shake her hand and she shook mine. I looked at her and said,
‘”Hi. My name is Jose Calderon and you’re going to be the mother of my children.'”
Bam! How’s that for an intro?
My mom usually laughs at this, nods her head in agreement and says “that’s how it really happened.” But my mom wasn’t totally floored by this suave young man. She brushed it off and told him he was crazy and had drunk too much.
You have to understand, in Latin America women are accustomed to such direct advancements. Also, the concept of dating is very different from that of North America. When a young man is interested in a woman he will usually begin to court her. He will bring her flowers, serenade her, write her poetry or find every single opportunity to be close to her and offer to help her in her daily tasks. There’s also an element of competition, because just like he might be interested so might all the other neighbourhood guys. The woman in this instance is free to accept or reject her suitors’ gifts or offers.
In this way she may have multiple suitors but only one boyfriend. As soon as she officially accepts an invitation to a formal date they are an official couple and all the others back off. The courting may take place over a few days, weeks or months. In my dad’s case it took over a year.
Up to this point my father had exercised persistence, and faith in himself but the experience with my mom would prove his faith in God. My dad is certain that when he approached my mom he knew he had been guided to the woman God had prepared for him. In his heart and mind there was no other like her and none above. She was his perfect match. His Eve. His Queen. His equal. But courting a woman for a year would be taxing on anyone.
Throughout their courtship they began to develop a deep friendship. He felt like he walked on air when he was with her. When they finally became a couple my dad quickly began making up ground and started getting to know the family. He had mixed reviews with my mom’s parents. On the one hand, my grandfather liked his boldness and candid nature. On the other, my grandmother loathed him. To this day we’re not really sure why but eventually she would embrace him like a son. He fell in love with her younger siblings, and since my mom was the eldest child, the children treated him in like an older brother.
The day before his birthday he and my mom walked downtown for hours. As the evening grew late she kept saying she had to go back home but would not leave his side. As each bus passed by my dad kept reminding her that she needed to get on one of the buses if she was going to make it home. Each time she would say she would catch the next one. Finally, as the last bus arrived they said their final goodbyes and she boarded the bus. My dad sensed that she was acting differently but didn’t think much of it.
The next day, his birthday, he bought a hen (a young chicken) to bring to my mom’s house and make a hen soup for her family. He got there and was met by my grandpa at the door.
“What are you doing here?” he asked.
“I brought dinner for you guys,” my dad responded.
“Right, like you don’t know,” replied my grandfather.
“Don’t know what?” my father said clueless.
“You stole her and have her locked up in some place!” accused my grandmother.
“What are you talking about?” questioned my father.
My grandfather looked at him in the eyes and realized that my dad had no idea why they were so mad.
He said to him,”Enma left the house last night. She moved to Mexico. She didn’t tell you?”
My dad’s world crashed in front of him. His heart sank and his soul was filled with sorrow. He wept not knowing what to do. The following months were to be the toughest in his young life.
TRUSTING GOD AND FAMILY
My dad often wrote my mother telling her to come back. Her response was that although she wanted to be home she needed to be where she was in order to provide for her family. My dad couldn’t see it then but he eventually recognized the qualities he had so cherished growing up were now becoming evident in my mom’s actions. She loved her family and was willing to sacrifice a loving relationship for her family’s well-being. Although she had never lived in Mexico she had dreams of improving her family’s situation. She was just as crazy as my dad.
The final quality which they would both develop over this experience was trusting God and each other’s family.
Unbeknownst to my dad, my grandfather kept a watchful eye on him. Most men in his situation would have given up and parted ways. His persistence at writing faithfully to my mother, continually visiting her siblings and making sure their needs were met touched my grandfather. Because he was impressed with my father’s pure love for his daughter and family he decided it was time to do something about their situation. My grandfather boarded a bus, headed to Mexico City and convinced my mom to come back with him. My mom obliged and came home.
Their reunion was grand! My father wasted no time in asking her to marry him. He had lost her once, he wasn’t about to let it happen again.
Over the years I’ve asked my mom why she left. She would usually tell me that the main reason was to help her family. Another was to make sure her crazy friend didn’t kill herself living a wild life.
“But,” she finally admitted,
“I remembered when we first met.
“When he told me I would be the mother of his children I instantly thought he was crazy.
“Then deep inside of me I knew that what he was saying was true. It scared me, but I knew God knew the kind of man I wanted and He put him in my path.
“Because I knew I was going to marry him, I left. I knew we would be together again.” She then speaks reverently of her parents. She knew that she could trust them and wanted to please them. She knew that even though my grandfather was an alcoholic at the time she could follow his advice and that all things would work out for the best. She wanted to honour her parents.
LESSONS FROM MY FATHER
My father was 23 when he married my mother. He speaks of that moment with pride. He feels that God had a hand in bringing them together. He also knows that had if he had never been crazy enough to leave his province he would have never met her. While he learned that determination can overcomes obstacles it comes at a price. He has taught me that when we follow a dream we ultimately will be placed in the right place at the right time and given an opportunity to act. Success comes then from taking chances, falling down and having the faith that if you get back up things will be better than before. His love of God and family placed him in the right place, at the right moment to give him the opportunity of meeting the woman of his dreams.
In the words of Ralph Waldo Emmerson
[quote]“Whatever you do, you need courage. Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires some of the same courage that a soldier needs. Peace has its victories, but it takes brave men and women to win them.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson[/quote]
My parent’s faith in each other, in God and in their crazy dreams would be key qualities that they would need as they faced trial after trial in their young and exiting marriage.
